Personal story configures one's identity.

I drew an orchid when we were asked to make a reflection artwork of our identities. I didn't hesitate--I knew what I was going to do. This kind of traditional sumi-ink painting (well I did with water color and tissue paper...) reflects Korean culture and tradition. The last empire--Chosun dynasty had strong Confucian influence like many other East Asia countries. The Confucian influence in thoughts and values among Korean people and culture is still substantial.

Nobody particularly read full Confucian texts these days unless they're studying old-literature. I first read the whole texts in 2006 when I started learning the traditional sumi-ink painting after my undergraduate back in Korea. I thought reading these would help filling my cultural gap that I missed as a Korean, and help understanding of traditional paintings. His view is idealized and doesn't have much things to do with today's society, but  I loved the suggested way of being--being the "proper man," and humanity.

I left Korea when I was 15. I finished my junior high in New Zealand where I first learned about the "otherness." My adolescent year in New Zealand was not so pretty. I didn't speak English; had no friends or had few Korean upper classmates who were mean to me; felt racism in the dorms. I was a deaf and mute in most of my classes, except math and arts. I loved my art class and art teacher. I met Jasper Johns' painting for the first time. Whenever I drew/painted something, she showed pictures of paintings that I never saw or learned in art classes in Korea.

I moved to United States for high school. I took my 1st TOFEL to enroll a well-established private school( As an international student, you can't go to public school.)  The start of high school was good.  Oregonians (Portlanders) are generally well-mannered. There were international students from many other countries--Japan, Korea, China, Hong Kong, Vietnam, Malaysia, Indonesia, Thailand, France, Mexico, German, Bulgaria, Arab, etc.  We all lived in the small dorms like a family. My roommate was from Seattle. We got along well. I started the 1st year with a delighted feeling. I got English name--Jeanne. (My dad's old Jewish friend's French wife made it for me after my Korean name Jung Eun. I hated mis-pronouned my name in New Zealand. I didn't know it was a French name until 2004 though.) I also had a nickname--smiley, because I smiled all the time. I had a settled happy freshman year.

However, clouds got in my way as I started my sophomore year. I saw the unfairness and unspoken words and ways of discrimination between rich and poor students in circumstance of prohibiting private school rules. My host family kid who is from one of the wealthiest families in Portland area got away and had detentions. But my roommate got kicked out. She was only in the presence with those kids who were prohibiting the rule--She was on the scholarship. I was sad but powerless, and wordless.

Also, I had a hard time with my parents because I had an American boyfriend. They were overacting and worried. So, I broke up with him to avoid fights with them. Then I lost my good-American friends--because I was not his girlfriend any more. My school was from PK to high school so some kids were friends from 4 years old. Those kids cluttered together, and my ex was one of them. I belonged to no groups.  In fact, this made me to use my 1-hour free period for art studio to paint. If I didn't have paintings from those hours and didn't have an art teacher who constantly photographed my paintings and made slides from them, I probably didn't even think of transferring to art in undergraduate and not here right now. I guess that was the beginning that I unconsciously used art as therapy for myself and tried to find my identity through it.

By the way, there was another personal incident. I was almost raped by someone graduated from my school. I developed panic attacks, anxiety, and depression. Actually, I didn't have part of memory from it. Recently, I remembered them all. Nobody knew what was going on at that time. I had panic attacks and went to emergency one night. School wanted me to go to mental institution in Boston or attend other school because of my health issue. Outraged my parent came to the States. Once my dad called the lawyer for the meeting, school agreed that I would only move out from the dorms. At that time, I wondered what if I was a kid from wealthy American family (like my host family), because school never investigated anything fully, but clearly they just didn't want the responsibility of any situation where they can be liable. I understand their point of perspectives now.

So it was my sophomore year in high school when I started thinking about this "identity."I didn't belong any where. I felt distance from people or friends when I went back to Korean for summer. Certainly, I didn't belong to America(--school, friends, etc.)  It was not the language that put me apart from engaging with others. The whole incident and situational factors complicated my thoughts. The constructed idea around organization, the rules and responsibility as a whole group didn't want the risk of having me, and I was hurt as much as I loved being in the new school in the States. Human being are socially constructed, and our identities are built upon the presence others with our personal histories. 

Over the years, living in-between worlds, I never fully developed a strong identity that belonged to any of sides. (you might notice many grammatical errors in writing.  I make the same mistakes in Korean too. My Aunt who is a writer in Korea, always makes fun of my Korean-writing skills, because I use those old hard words(Chinese character based like Latin based English words) but mix Korean with English grammar. I guess I mix grammar together in both languages. Thank you for keeping up with reading this and Pardon if you find a hard time reading this. Back to the point--) So it is my effort to learn both constantly, because I learned that everything is constantly changing. People come and go; norms change; situation and enviroenment change, etc.--just like the wind changes its air every second. People's view, mind, thought, values, belifs, etc. change as well. Our identities change because we have different responsibilities as a student, daughter, woman, therapist, etc.  However, I have an intention to be close with Korean side, just because it is where my root comes from.

I talked about Confucius ideology at the beginning. Men (well, only noble men--they had aristocrat system) were encoraged to learn and read this old texts, however women were not. At that period, women were not encouraged to learn, read or write; but to do sewing, patch-working, embroidering and housework staff. However, some women did these paintings of orchid, chrysanthemum, bamboo or Japanese apricot flower--that were part of those noble men's practice or hobby. I found this interesting, because art was a permitted and shared part for structuring identity for both men and women in Old Korea. The painting of these four subject matters were usually composed with written verses (like poems). Women had freedom to express under certain rules of paintings. In addition, these subject matters had symbolic meanings behind them. I thought this was a brillient way of incorporating art for lives. This is why I like practicing them in a way of identifying myself as a Korean woman.